A handful of people who would be more useful to The Avengers than Black Widow

Thursday March 1st 2012

There seems to be a distinctly wobbly sort of logic at work in Marvel’s forthcoming superhero gangbang The Avengers Marvel Avengers Assemble, and I’m sure I’m not the first to point it out. What with Thor being an ACTUAL DEITY and all, there doesn’t appear to be much need for him to be accompanied by a load of (admittedly noteworthy) mortals. He’s got a bloody magical hammer (the limitations of which haven’t even been defined yet) — why the fuck would he need back up from a arrogant billionaire dressed as a Transformer? Or an unusually strong time-travelling soldier? Or a mutant scientist? Or a skilled marksman?

But most of all, what on Earth could he possibly have to gain from letting Black Widow tag along? Putting aside for a moment the obvious cleavage-based reasons for her inclusion in the franchise, what does she actually have to offer? Some vague Jujutsu skills? Possession of a firearm? They’d be better off letting Kim Possible join the team. Or any of these guys, for that matter …

Nick Nack from The Man with the Golden Gun
Special skills: cooking, knife fighting, hiding under tables

Dakota Fanning’s character from that awful Push movie
Special skills: soothsaying, illustration, being really annoying

Any of the ‘strong female characters’ from Sucker Punch
Special skills: dressing as schoolgirls, daydreaming

Lisbeth Salander
Special skills: computer hacking, retaliative rape

The tambourine kid from Extremely Loud…
Special skills: being really, really smug

Derek Jacobi as ‘The Tramp’ in The Riddle
Special skills: battering gangsters with his anchor

Hugh Grant’s character from The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill But Came Down a Mountain
Special skills: cartography

Miffy

Albert Nobbs
Special skills: waitering, concealing her breasts, doing a bizarre Irish accent

The horse from War Horse
Special skills: exhibiting blatantly human characteristics

Denise Richards’s character from Starship Troopers
Special skills: spaceship piloting

Sean Young in a homemade Catwoman costume on Joan Rivers’s talkshow in 1991
Special skills: costume design