Liveblog: ‘Nerd Hunting’, the porn film starring the guy from Project X

Tuesday March 6th 2012

Just a few short weeks after I campaigned for the destigmatisation of porn performers in mainstream Hollywood, it emerged yesterday that Jonathan Daniel Brown, who plays JB in Project X, starred in a hardcore porn movie called Nerd Hunting back in 2008. Assuming this isn’t viral marketing for Project X four years in the making (it’s hardly beyond the realms of possibility), I’d like to congratulate Jonathan on making such a smooth transition from to the multiplex.

I thought it only right to celebrate the occasion with a liveblog, so from 1pm today I’ll be working my way through Jonathan’s 25-minute segment on Nerd Hunting. And if you’d like to buy the movie and watch along at home, you can do so here (NSFW, obviously).

1:00pm – The film begins with three girls (Jennifer Dark, Ashli Orion and Phoenix Marie) pulling up at a Mexican drive-through in a van. They order three tacos and a large fries. It’s not entirely clear whether anyone is actually taking the order; they seem to just be yelling at the menu board.
1:01pm – Nonetheless, a delivery boy (Jonathan Daniel Brown) soon arrives at the van. I’m not sure I totally buy that uniform — he looks more like a shop attendant at Uniqlo than a delivery boy.
1:02pm – They accuse him of eating some of their french fries, which seems unlikely — doesn’t he work there? Surely he can have all the french fries he wants without stealing from the customers?
1:03pm – One of the girls then starts feeding him fries, which seems hypocritical given the accusations levelled at him only moments before. Soon they’re all joining in, urging him to lick the fries. Foreplay at its most seductive, I think you’ll agree.
1:04pm – With about as much nuance as most of the dialogue in Project X, one of the girls interrupts the fried potato-based conversation with the assertion that, “It looks like he’s got a big dick.” Duly, they all fondle his genitals.
1:05pm – And so it begins. A laughably forced dominant / submissive dynamic is soon established, with the girls wheeling out the sort of mock insults you might hear from a ‘comedy waiter’ at a 50s-themed diner. As Ashli Orion told AVN this week…

“I remember him being this cute little nerdy kid, shy, and super nervous! He was really nice so I felt bad that I had to make fun of him in true Fuck Team 5 fashion.”

So, you see, it’s sort of like the house style.

1:07pm– The clothes come off as the sexual activity begins. I’m anticipating a significant increase in rainbow censorship boxes.

Also, it’s been pointed out that you can watch the video for free online here. (We’re up to about 20:30 on that video).
1:08pm – One development I certainly hadn’t anticipated was the arrival of a prosthetic penis wearing a cowboy hat and shades (and speaking in a British accent) as a sort of greek chorus to the action unfolding in the van. I HAVE LITERALLY NO IDEA WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
1:10pm – Now I’m just trying to do screengrabs that require as little manipulation in Photoshop as possible.
1:11pm – Assuming all the dialogue here is improvised, Jonathan certainly knows how to come out with a killer line under pressure. When asked the seemingly rhetorical question, “you’ve never had a blowjob like that before have you?”, he doesn’t miss a beat before coming back with, “not of this quality, no”.
1:13pm – Fucking hell, it’s this guy again. And now he’s doing a sort of David Attenborough ‘bit’. Is this supposed to be enhancing the arousal factor of the movie? I don’t understand who exactly this is aimed at.
1:15pm – The girls have decided to play Rock, Paper, Scissors to see which of them gets to have sex with Jonathan first. In explaining the rules, one of them says something along the lines of “whoever gets rock first, wins”, which is an unusual spin on the classic game. In the end, they go with the more traditional ‘luck of the draw’ approach.
1:16pm – There’s all kinds of stuff going on here.
1:17pm – One of the girls is feeding Jonathan fries while he has sex with the winner of the Rock, Paper, Scissors competition. This combination of fried food and sexual intercourse is not a visually appealing mix IMO.
1:19pm – Sex.
1:23pm – The girls are chastising him for blocking the camera’s view with his arm. Now he’s moved it behind his back. Fair play to him: he’s a fast learner.
1:24pm – What is this I don’t even.
1:25pm – He ‘finishes up’ and immediately eats another french fry. Is this whole video just targeting a very specific group of mid-coitus-fried-food-consumption fetishists? It would seem so, especially given the film’s big finale…
1:26pm– I’m not sure my words could do the film’s denouement justice, so here’s Ashli Orion once again to clear things up:

“Being the crazy girl I am, I used my ass as a sauce tray and dipped the fries we ordered in his cum. Yes, I ate them and I swallowed. Fucking delish!”

And Jonathan’s final ace line? “I feel like I should make you breakfast.”

What a charmer.