A ‘trailer breakdown’ of the new 14-second Breaking Dawn teaser

Tuesday March 20th 2012

Twi-hards will be walking around with a pretty major buzz on today, and not just because every day is Christmas when you’re defined by your own rampant fandom for a lacklustre series of YA novels. The first teaser trailer for The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part Two (catchy title, bro) has just been released, and it runs a cool fourteen seconds. Let’s take a closer look at this masterpiece of marketing concision:

No Twilight ‘communique’ would be complete without at least a few seconds of aerial mountain business and here it comes straight off the bat. You have to wonder just how much of this footage the producers are sitting on. Surely they could offload some of it onto the Oregon tourist board?

People running very quickly through wooded areas is another classic staple of The Twilight Saga, but until now we’ve only seen Edward and his blood-hungry brethren doing it. In this case it appears to be Bella, making this our first glimpse of her new vampiric self, reborn after Edward fucked all the life out of her at the end of the last movie. As I understand it.

“I didn’t expect you to seem so … you.” Yep, old wolfpants is back, and he’s still coming out with the sort of lines you’d expect to hear read back to you in court. As you can see, this is a rare look at Jacob with a shirt on, but the costume designer has cunningly put him in a skin-tight top so close to his own flesh tone that, at a glance, you’d assume he wasn’t wearing anything at all. In fact, it’s really only the neckline that gives it away.

It’s amazing how monumental something as banal as a shot of two hands touching can seem when you whack one of those reverse cymbal sounds on it. I guess it helps that they’re now MUTUAL VAMPIRE HANDS!

“We’re the same temperature now.” Whoa, move aside Jacob, you’ve got competition in the rapey dialogue major leagues. Still, Edward’s words do have pretty massive implications, not only for his and Bella’s relationship, but for their central heating bill. And that collar, totes boss.

And there you have it. In less than eight seconds the action is over, leaving the remaining six for the loving unveiling of the movie’s supremely convoluted title. As ever, capital letters are out the window (they’re not tumblr-friendly enough) and those weird little perpendicular lines are all over the shop. And font sizes? It’s got three of those mothers.

Make that four.