There’s a Katy Perry movie coming out. Here’s what to expect.

Wednesday April 4th 2012


The producers of Katy Perry: Part of Me in 3D must have known they were on to a winner as soon as they got that (^^^) YouTube thumbnail for their trailer. [EDIT: the thumbnail has changed to a more discreet image now. It was far more cleavage-y before.] But what about the other 3024 frames that make up this spectacular preview for what’s sure to be the summer’s most poignant cinematic experience? Let’s take a closer look …

As trailer openings go, this is one for the ages. The stage is set. All is dark. The sound of a solitary drum foretells of the arrival of a great stage presence. The lights come up on the one aspect of Katy Perry’s identity that the producers clearly feel is her trademark, her signature move, her shorthand — her sideboob.
“Katy’s just an explosion, keeps getting bigger and bigger.”It’s a hyperbolic assertion, but one that’s deftly backed up by some slow-motion footage of adoring hands waving in the air. Because the only thing that can make adoring hands waving in the air more meaningful is slow-motion.
We’re told (via an entirely authentic-looking newspaper headline) that Perry sold out her 2011 California Dreams world tour. Yep, even the Nottingham date.
She’s clearly thrilled, but that doesn’t mean she’s about to become complacent …”It’s all about the challenge. What are people saying she can’t do? That’s what she does next.”
For example, remember when people kept saying, “Katy, you cannot be the first woman to have five number one singles on one album!” Well, I bet they’re feeling pretty stupid right about now.
“Every song has something to do with her life.”Finally we get a proper look at the man imparting all of this voiceover wisdom, and he does not disappoint. Speaking with precision, clarity and plenty of illustrative hand movements, he adds an all-important sense of gravitas to this 3D concert movie in which people dress as lollipops and shoot whipped cream out of their tits.
“She outworks everyone. I honestly don’t know how she does it.”Whoa there trailer, did you just double down on the solemn male talking heads? You ought to be careful with that shit — everybody knows self-important soundbites work better with 10-second dancing interludes.
“She’s under a ton of pressure: the whole world is watching.”We’ll let Box Office Mojo be the judge of that one, shall we?
Only joking. They are of course talking about Perry’s short-lived marriage to Russell Brand. Just look at her looking all upset/confused/nauseous. She’s almost definitely thinking about him.Presumably the montage of the producers jumping for joy when they realised the divorce would make for an ideal emotional arc was cut for time.
As if the divorce didn’t already provide more than enough emotional backbone, the filmmakers have also ‘dug into the vaults’ (pulled some clips off YouTube) to relive Perry’s earlier career as a Christian gospel rock singer. Because the footage was shot in the early noughties (when most people definitely still recorded their home videos on 16mm) these are presented in flickering, edge-feathered windows in the middle of the screen. You know, like in the olden days.
“She signed to a label and then the label dropped her.”Somebody pass the tissues, this is like Sophie’s Choice all over again.
“I was going through some depressing and dark times, but it’s a journey and I learned so much from it.”Anything I could add to this sentence would only lessen its potency as one of the great philosophical statements of our time, so I’ll just leave this here.
As the emotion threatens to runneth over, the trailer takes a sudden turn for the dramatic. That ‘rushing’ sound usually reserved for Michael Bay movies starts to build and clips begin to fly past in rapid succession. And then, all is silent as Perry declares: “Thank you so much for believing in my weirdness.”Don’t you just love it when people point out their own uniqueness?
HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS, BATTLESHIP?
The answer appears to be yes, except that this montage climaxes with a woman shooting foam out of a cannon rather than a giant alien spacecraft destroying the Earth.
“My goal when I’m playing shows is just to … make … people … smile”, says Perry, ACTUALLY FIGHTING BACK THE TEARS. If only the world understood how hard it is to be talented. At least Samantha Brick only has to deal with beauty; Perry has THE WHOLE PACKAGE.
“If you have a dream, you’ve got to go on a journey to pursue that dream.”Stop it Katy, I’m not sure this trailer can withstand any more of your wisdom! SHE WON’T HOLD!!!!
Phew, respite. Anyone wanna bet exactly which ‘Part’ of Katy Perry is in 3D? I’m offering 6/5 on sideboob.
Not the greatest post-title sequence I’ve ever seen.