Fifty spoiler-heavy questions for The Dark Knight Rises

Wednesday July 25th 2012


1 Is it really the best use of Batman’s time, when millions of lives are at stake, to keep applying black make-up to the exposed areas around his eyes every time he puts his mask on?
2 How come none of the ‘exiles’ work out that if they crawl across the ice rather than walking, they’ll have a much better chance of making it to safety?
3 Why does the Batcycle suddenly begin pushing the rider’s bum into the air once Catwoman starts using it?
4 Where is everyone?
5 Why does the movie hate the Occupy movement so much, painting its activists as — at best — gullible puppets and — at worse — psychopathic mass murderers?
6 Just how great of a detective is Commissioner Gordon if he fails to notice the direct correlation between Batman’s eight-year inactivity and Bruce Wayne’s eight-year reclusion from society?
7 Why does Bane blow up the majority of the city’s bridges but elect to leave one intact for the police to guard?
8 Why did anyone think Anne Hathaway wouldn’t make a good Catwoman?
9 Is the ‘Wayne Manor Home For Orphaned Children’ or whatever it’s called this generation’s ‘Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can’t Read Good’?
10 That was supposed to be FIVE MONTHS?!
11 Why doesn’t Bane blow up the city when he sees people walking out onto the ice, thereby disobeying his orders and attempting to leave Gotham?
12 Couldn’t there have been more scenes with Michael Caine softly weeping?
13 What ever happened to ‘I seriously doubt I will even be involved when Robin’s in the franchise’, Mr. Nolan?
14 Why can’t I hear Bane?
15 Why can’t I hear Batman?
16 Why can’t I hear Commissioner Gordon?
17 If Joseph Gordon-Levitt was able to figure out Batman’s true identity just by looking at him, wouldn’t a gossip columnist or someone have done the same years ago?
18 Is there only one café in Florence or did Alfred have to go on a bit of a crawl to find Bruce?
19 Does that thing Batman does where he shouts “WHERE’S ________?” very loudly into someone’s face, ever work?
20 Wasn’t it implicit in Bane’s agreement with the old man that he should keep Bruce in the prison, as well as keeping him alive?
21 Why does Batman fuck Miranda Tate?
22 Why does Batman kiss Catwoman?
23 Why does their kiss look like two action figures being rubbed together by a sexually curious child?
24 Why does Catwoman follow Batman to Italy?
25 Couldn’t Bruce Wayne very easily prove that it was Bane who made those fraudulent stock trades, what with his highly publicised recent occupation of the Gotham Stock Exchange?
26 Had nobody on the entire Gotham police force even seen Die Hard With a Vengeance?
27 Couldn’t the film’s primary antagonist have benefitted from a more dramatic exit than death by being thrown across a room?
28 Why did Bane give that guy on the plane a blood transfusion?
29 Where did the production find a kid who could so capably pass for both Tom Hardy and Marion Cotillard?
30 Since when is Matthew Modine still alive?
31 Why is the anarchy-ridden Gotham so clean and orderly?
32 How does Bane eat and drink?
33 Where did Juno Temple go?
34 Did Batman get stabbed at one point or did I imagine that?
35 Could Bane’s mask be equipped with a ‘line out’ function that would allow him to be adequately amplified at, say, a large sporting event?
36 If the bomb had a six-mile blast radius, what use was Batman jumping into the ocean just before it blew up?
37 Is punching really an effective method of resetting a vertebra?
38 Since when is Batman an arsonist?
39 How sweaty must Catwoman’s lycra outfit be if she’s been wearing it ever since the fancy dress party?
40 Isn’t it a bit silly that Batman is still putting that voice on?
41 Who was responsible for the film’s wisecracks, and from what date is their termination effective?
42 How can you exercise the level of restraint required to go 165 minutes without ever saying the word ‘Catwoman’ but still feel the need to shamelessly pack your closing 10 minutes with one lame, fanboy-pandering reveal after another?
43 Am I reading too much into this?
44 Am I not reading far enough into this?
45 How was Catwoman able to gain employment at Wayne Manor when her rap sheet is readily available on Bruce’s weird supercomputer?
46 How did Bruce manage to get from South Asia to Northeast U.S.A. in a matter of days with nothing but a pair of torn pants?
47 Why didn’t somebody just fucking shoot Batman when they had the chance?
48 How did Alfred resist the urge to go and punch Bruce in his smug face when he found him alive and well at the café?
49 What is Joseph Gordon-Levitt supposed to do with all the bizarre, impossibly complex gadgets in the Batcave?
50 Was this seriously the best way Christopher Nolan could think of to end the most mature, sombre, introspective superhero trilogy of all time?