The Dark Knight Rises review you’ve all been waiting for

Thursday July 26th 2012


The sombre, introspective tone of The Dark Knight Rises might be a world away from the ‘toyetic’ merchandising circlejerk of Joel Schumacher’s Batman & Robin, but Christopher Nolan’s three-hour opus is by no means immune to the lure of the corporate tie-in. All the normal product lines have been duly released over the last couple of months — T-shirts, action figures, Lego sets — but Warner Brothers have also expanded into some more eccentric branding opportunities of late, namely pizza.

The tie-in pizza is a phenomenon that seems to pop up every six months or so, usually tied to the latest series of Britain’s Got Talent. But now it gets the full blockbuster treatment courtesy of ‘The Big Box Deal’, a Dark Knight Rises-themed Pizza Hut offer that retails at £19.99. Their PR team sent one over yesterday for a test drive.

So, WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!

Firstly, there’s an eight-slice rectangular pizza, with your choice of toppings. Maybe you’d like Talia Al ‘Apeños, Crispy Banecon or Pepperoknight? Shit, Batman puns are hard. Maybe that’s why they settled for ‘The Big Box Deal’.

Also included: four slices of garlic bread, the side order Gotham deserves.

And finally, seven ‘cheese triangles’ (no, me neither) and six chicken wings. Where did this thing of having chicken wings with pizza come from anyway? How did we think we could live so large?

Oh, and four dips. One for each of the films in the trilogy, plus Sour Cream & Chive.

This photograph should give you some idea of where the quality lies in the Big Box Deal. We polished off the pizza itself quite quickly because (and I will gladly fight anyone who disagrees with me on this matter) Pizza Hut pizza is fucking delicious. I don’t want to hear any of your Domino’s bullshit. You know as well as I do that that garbage can’t hold a candle to the Hut. The wings and triangles, on the other hand, proved less popular.

And the dips…

… I no longer fear death.

Still, for all the carbohydrate-stuffed goodness, we couldn’t shake the feeling that an opportunity had been missed to make something really special out of The Big Box Deal. Would it not have been better to theme at least some of its contents around the movie itself, rather than just inserting a load of random culinary elements and sticking a logo on the box? How hard could it possibly be to make a bat-shaped pizza?

Alright, as you were.