This never happened.

Friday January 25th 2013

“Nobody wants to buy a computer! Nobody!” proclaims Josh Gad, the Chris Pratt to 2008’s 2013, in this new clip from jOBS. The first (and almost certainly lesser) of two forthcoming Steve Jobs biopics will ‘chronicle’ a period of more than 30 years in the life of the world’s foremost wearer of black t-shirts, from his development of the Apple I computer in the early 70s to his death in 2011. Ashton Kutcher (sorry — make that aSHTON kUTCHER) will star as Jobs / jOBS.

By the look of things, Kutcher has his subject’s slightly condescending mannerisms down to a T, but I won’t pretend I’m not disheartened by the veritable avalanche of Biopic Distillation on display in this brief clip. Just two guys invented the operating system? THEY PROBABLY DID IT IN A CAR PARK. They both knew what they were talking about and therefore probably didn’t repeatedly clarify terms like ‘operating system’ to one another in conversation? AUDIENCES WILL BE CONFUSED. What we’re basically talking about is a technological development and not an event with much in the way of human drama? NOBODY WANTS TO BUY A COMPUTER.

It’s Ray all over again.