Instructions for watching The Stepfather

Friday December 11th 2009

Where the Wild Things Are is out today in the UK and I advise everyone to immediately go out and see it. There’s something in it for everyone. If you’re eager to see The Stepfather however, you will first need to observe the following instructions:

Permanently suspend your sense of disbelief. This movie makes Transformers 2 look like a work of orthodox Vulcan logic, so there’s no point getting all worked up every time it makes yet another ludicrous leap of faith.

Go to your bookcase and look for a particularly big book. It should have ‘Dictionary’ written on its spine. Now open the book roughly in the middle and find the words beginning with ‘m’. Locate the word ‘motive’. Now cross it out with a thick black marker. Repeat for ‘suspense’, ‘coherence’ and ‘characterisation’.

Resist the urge to audibly express your dislike of the film. It will only make the experience even worse for those around you.

Ignore the fact that all of the ’17 year olds’ are obviously portrayed by actors in their mid-twenties.

Remember that Amber Heard’s character is not just there for pointless gratuitous sex appeal, even though she is semi-nude for the entire duration of the film and serves no function within the plot.

There is no such thing as plagiarism. Everything is ‘an homage’. And that includes copying your ending shot-for-shot from a Michael Haneke film.

Don’t bother trying to remember which one is the bad guy, because every time he appears you get a reminder anyway:

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