10 reasons why ‘Knight & Day’ is going to be crap

Tuesday January 5th 2010


We here at Ultra Culture are extremely concerned about the upcoming Tom Cruise vehicle Knight & Day (see trailer here). We fear it may signal the end of civilisation as we know it. Here are ten reasons why:

1

THE STARS
Everything about Knight & Day suggests that the lead characters should be in their twenties. I’m not saying there’s no place in Hollywood for older actors but for a 40 year old woman and a 50 year old man with limited acting capabilities to completely ignore the fact that they’re patently too old for this movie just because they haven’t quite got the range for older characters is just self-indulgent.

2

THE TITLE
You may want to sit down for the following fact: the lead characters’ names aren’t even Knight and Day. If this was about Mr. Knight and Mrs. Day then I could probably accept it on a sort of campy fun level. Instead, it’s just an arbitrary zeitgeisty spelling change. For shame.

3

THE POSTER
Even the slightest suggestion that the silhouette pictured above might actually be Cameron Diaz should be met with total derision. It’s ludicrous. Almost as ludicrous as that off-centre deformed penis they’ve given her.

4

TOM CRUISE’S HAIR
Tom Cruise needs to stop pretending that he hasn’t aged in twenty years. Relentlessly maintaining that haircut is making him start to look like a Covent Garden street artist’s portrait of Tom Cruise.

5

THE IDEA THAT YOU COULD KNOCK SOMEONE OUT BY PUSHING ONE OF THOSE CRAPPY AEROPLANE ARMRESTS DOWN ON THEM
Seriously, they fucking crawl into position. You might as well cut someone’s throat with the complimentary toothbrush.

6

YET ANOTHER CAR THAT GETS FLIPPED FORWARD BY AN EXPLOSION ON THE MOTORWAY
Because we haven’t seen enough of those already.

7

THE VILLAIN
Whoever this guy is, they haven’t made it obvious enough that he is supposed to be a villain. Maybe try hooks for hands or something.

8

THE FACE TOM CRUISE PULLS WHEN HE’S FIGHTING
This one is self-explanatory.

9

THE MOMENT OF ‘COMEDY’ AT THE END OF THE TRAILER
It’s too awful to describe, and even features the ever-hilarious background music drop-out.

10

SHANNON FROM LOST
When the most exciting thing about a major Hollywood blockbuster is the fact that it’s got the girl who plays Shannon from Lost in it, you know you’re in serious trouble. Nice dress though.