This week in BBFC guidelines

Monday January 11th 2010

Consumer Advice: Contains strong violence and language

According to the classification information, highlights include ‘a man having his hand cut off’, ‘men being slashed’ and ‘over 10 uses of strong language’ (!) There’s also a scene where two men threaten to rape a woman, but don’t worry because the threat is only ‘moderate’ according to the BBFC. So basically they threaten to rape her but end up just having a cup of tea instead.

Consumer Advice: Contains incest theme and infrequent real sex

I’m excited that this has been rated because it means that the 3rd highest film on our Best of 2010 list is even more likely to maintain its scheduled release date of April 2010. The whole ‘real sex’ thing is getting so ubiquitous that it hardly seems worth mentioning any more, and the BBFC certainly don’t seem concerned about its validity in arthouse cinema, which is a good thing. Give it three years and it’ll sneak into a 15, I’d bet my life on it.

Consumer Advice: Contains mild language

It’s a fitting tribute to one of the most bland-looking movies of all time that it also has one of the most bland-sounding BBFC warnings of all time. ‘Mild language’ almost definitely signifies two or three very serious uses of ‘crap’, ‘damn’ and ‘shit’ – giving the film all the credibility its ever going to get amongst a tide of sentimental sub-Bucket-List crapulosity.

Consumer Advice: Contains strong language, once very strong

Bringing the insanity of certification into sharp focus, this Blur concert movie (which an 8-year-old could happily have attended or bought a CD recording of) is restricted to those over the age of 15. The ‘once very strong’ bit can only refer to ‘cunt’ but off the top of my head, I can’t imagine where in the concert that arises. Unless they happened to be filming the queue at the merchandise stand.

Consumer Advice: Contains mild innuendo and violence

‘The bard’ has always been at odds with the censors, and this Globe Theatre adaptation is no different. The classification information cites ‘how men’s swords are like their penises with the swords occasionally held in suggestive poses or stroked gently’ – oh Shakey, you naughty scoundrel! Also be on the lookout for ‘the similarity between the words hoar and whore‘ and ‘some smears of blood’.

Like the rest of you, I’m wondering how many smears ‘some smears‘ is.