Longer Review: Valentine’s Day

Monday February 8th 2010

The Rotten Tomatoes entry of He’s Just Not That Into You sums up the movie with the critical consensus that…

Despite the best efforts of a talented cast, He’s Just Not That Into You devotes too little time to each of its protagonists, thus reducing them to stereotypes.

This also works perfectly as a review of Valentine’s Day, the new one from Pretty Woman director Garry Marshall, if you remove the bit about the talented cast.

I’m not saying that they’re all shit (the Anne Hathaway / Topher Grace plotline is entirely bearable) but when you get Jessica Alba, Ashton Kutcher, Taylor Lautner and Queen Latifah in a movie together it’s hard not to consider that the end of all humanity may be close at hand.

Amazingly enough, they’re not even the worst actors in this. That honour is reserved for this guy:

I honestly don’t know who enjoys movies like this. I sat there for OVER TWO HOURS and among the insightful things I learnt were:

  • All gay men are either flamboyantly camp or unexpectedly (‘and hilariously!’) masculine.
  • Black people don’t shake hands, they prefer to ‘bump fists’.
  • White people don’t really get the ‘bump fists’ thing, but this often leads to ‘humourously’ inept attempts at ‘being black’.

Saying that, I do know for a fact that at least one person enjoyed the movie, because the woman a few seats across from me had a distinct noise for every occasion. Queen Latifah comes up with one of her trademark sassy putdowns…


Patrick Dempsey’s character is revealed to be cheating on his wife…


Two toddlers kiss each other…


Some not-quite-recent chart music plays over a montage…


An old couple talk frankly about sex…


The obligatory Facebook joke crops up…


As if all this weren’t bad enough, Mr. Marshall has crammed the movie full of horrifically indulgent ‘love letter to LA’ bits, climaxing in a ridiculously-implausible-in-2010 chase through LAX and some sub-(500) Days of Summer quirky bullshit about floating flowers down a river.

Valentine’s Day:

The Worst Movie of 2010.