Sunday March 14th 2010
As ever, we’re at least three years late on the new Eclipse trailer, but to make up for it we’ve really put the effort in with this post.
We love the Twilight Saga but we have been wondering how the fuck they’re able to release the third film less than 9 months after New Moon. Luckily, the new trailer (which you can watch here if you’re one of the three people who hasn’t seen it yet) does serve as a helpful reminder that they’re not exactly the least formulaic movies ever made.
Here’s our entirely accurate statistical breakdown:
I don’t know if they shot all this crap at once back in 2007 and are just drip releasing it film-by-film, but these sweeping shots through mountains and woods are getting painfully ubiquitous. Also creepy is how much the shot above looks like that bit in Antichrist. It probably wasn’t intentional.
Homgz it’s the Volturi! And they’re walking along in slow motion because that’s how unbelievably badass they are. The slo-mo also helps you to ignore the fact that one of them is that Dakota ‘look at me screaming in fear, I’m a good actress after all’ Fanning.
It’s OK to have Bella and Edward lying next to each other so long as there’s some kind of physical barrier to make clear that there’s no funny business going on. In this case, it looks like some kind of blanket that says ‘Fish Market’ on it.
Note to Twilight obsessives: Please spare me the ‘DUH!!?! The FISH MARKET BLANKET!!! HELLOO?!?!’ e-mails.
Because when I need to talk to someone, I always take them to the edge of a hill overlooking a beautiful panoramic view of mountains and lakes. And then face away from the view for the majority of our time there.
What exactly ‘begins’ with a choice? The Twilight Saga certainly doesn’t: the whole choice element only comes in from the second film onwards. Equally, Eclipse doesn’t appear to begin with a choice, considering that Bella spends a large amount of the movie unable to make a choice.
To be fair, the whole Meaningless Title Card thing is not exclusive to the Twilight brand: it remains one of Hollywood’s most repeated and heinous crimes.
What does this shot of a girl leaping from a tree to a rock really tell us about Eclipse? Even the poorly-rendered wolf transformation in the New Moon trailer at least had some narrative value, whereas this seems to have been slotted in purely to prove that there is at least one second in the film that isn’t just about the fucking love triangle.
Who decided that any kind of superhuman physical feat in a movie had to be followed immediately by a shot of the person landing and looking behind them? The only reason for it that I can think of is to try and prove that the person is not a stunt double. Which is a slightly pointless exercise in the shot after the stunt.
In my mind, Jacob is still the annoying adolescent hanger-on he was portrayed as in the first movie. If enough people agree with me, it might explain why he spends the majority of Eclipse with his Big Man Body on display.
This has been said a million times before, but it is hard to ignore.
When a group of people got together a few years ago to make a $37 million teen vampire movie, they might not have imagined that they were going to get one of the decade’s biggest film franchises out of it. If they had, maybe they’d have put a little bit more effort into the typeface, because those perpendicular lines are a fucking disaster.