Oh NOES!

Tuesday May 4th 2010


Like it or not, every horror classic of the 1970s and 1980s is being remade. I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing. For every Stepfather or Crazies that makes me want to cry sweet sweet tears of despair, there’s a Last House on the Left to redress the balance a little bit. Unfortunately, this new take on Wes Craven’s 1984 slasher classic A Nightmare on Elm Street is very much a part of that first category.

The directing reins have been handed to Samuel Bayer, better known for his commercials and music videos for the likes of Nirvana, Green Day and The Strokes. This might not make him sound like a twat, but here’s a photo that should do the job:

I’ve had a bit of a problem with Bayer ever since seeing a behind-the-scenes doc from one of his Green Day videos, in which he explained to the audience what an utter fucking genius he was for coming up with the idea of damaging the film negative by hand to get that all-important ‘gritty look’.

On these terms, he doesn’t disappoint, desperately packing each shot full of the lamest visual gimmicks imaginable:

Lucky for him I couldn’t get a screenshot of the bit where he comes up with the revolutionary idea of water dripping UPWARDS!!!!111one

In the end, he needn’t have bothered with all the special effects, because all the CGI blood in the world couldn’t save this rubbish. Bayer’s Nightmare is 95 minutes of non-stop crap dialogue, crapper acting and the crappest expositional nonsense I’ve seen since The Lovely Bones.

Final Verdict: 3/10.
Final Thought: Why does the internet in horror movies always look like this: