Thursday June 10th 2010

After spending six months trying to avoid any news of Killers in an effort to see just one movie sight unseen, we were pleasantly surprised to be invited to the film’s European Premiere yesterday. Although some major doubt had begun to set in as to the film’s quality, a small part of me still hoped it might be amazing.

I’ve only ever been to a couple of premieres but a couple was more than enough to show me that they’re awful. You have to get there an hour before the film starts, walk near the red carpet while a massive crowd of strangers stare at you and wonder why you’re not Katherine Heigl, and then take a designated seat so far back that even Tom Selleck’s moustache barely registers.

After that, you’re treated to an endless parade of pseudo-glamour models and balding men with ridiculously big shirt collars, who amble in with all the overpriced popcorn they can carry, shouting about how important they are and how much they liked Legally Blonde. If it sounds like I’m being unnecessarily venomous towards these people, it might have something to do with them being so late that the film was forced to start ALMOST AN HOUR LATE.

Pull that shit at a press screening and Mark Kermode would start cutting motherfuckers.

This is Katherine Heigl giving a speech (‘it’s a great film’) standing next to tiny director Robert Luketic. Robert is one of the worst directors currently working in Hollywood, having already inflicted Legally Blonde, Win a Date with Ted Hamilton!, Monster-in-Law, 21 and The Ugly Truth upon the world. And Heigl’s track record isn’t much better, ever since she abandoned the male-dominated Judd Apatow school of comedy and started making movies with complex female characters in them, you know, like 27 Dresses.

At this point, it almost goes without saying that the movie was a total disaster area. Kutcher and Heigl are by no means great actors, but even Daniel Day-Lewis would have trouble breathing life into some of the most one-dimensional characters ever to grace a cinema screen. And if you can be bothered to follow the plot, you may well spend the rest of your life desperately trying to make sense of it.

Just think, when I randomly selected Five Killers from a release schedule six months ago, I could just have easily gone with Cyrus or I Am Love. At this point, I’d settle for Shrek Forever After.

This is the last you’ll hear from me on Killers.