Scarily bad: ‘F’

Wednesday August 18th 2010

The Film4 Frightfest kicks off in just over a week and alongside a few high-profile premieres (The Last Exorcism) and hotly-tipped indie picks (Monsters), there are also a whole bunch of movies that the vast majority of attendees won’t be familiar with. One of these is F (try googling that), a self-proclaimed ‘hoodie horror’ from young British director Johannes Roberts.

The premise is this: an attractive teenage girl stays late after school, gets attacked by hooded killers and has to be saved by her father. A school might not sound like the best place to set a horror film, because by definition it’s a well-lit building with lots of exits and is easily accessible for police. Such issues are not addressed in F, which tries desperately to imply that the characters are cut off from society – despite the fact that they seem constantly surrounded by mobile phones, computers and fully-operational cars.

Is it sounding clichéd yet?

  • Did I mention the hoodies do parkour?
  • Did I mention the father is an alcoholic?
  • Did I mention the bumbling security guard?
  • Did I mention the sexy P.E. teacher?

Stop me when you’ve heard enough.

Amazingly, the film’s been getting some not-bad press on a few horror blogs – quite a feat given that perhaps its biggest failing is its utter inability to create even the cheapest of scares. In theory, it’s easy to scare an audience by having something appear suddenly in front of the camera accompanied by a loud noise. Roberts manages to fuck even this up, getting both the pacing and sound mix totally, TOTALLY wrong.

I’ll leave it to Robbie Collin at the News of The World to do the inevitable title pun, but safe to say: this is one of the worst horror films I’ve ever seen.