Witches Aint Shit

Friday January 7th 2011

Before I tell you how utterly crap Season of the Witch is, I will point out that I’m probably not its target audience. I don’t particularly like ‘fantasy’ films. I don’t particularly like films set in ‘medieval times’. And I don’t particularly like films which are entirely devoid of human emotion.

Set against a backdrop of the Black Plague, Season of the Witch sees fellow knights Behmen (Nick Cage) and Felson (Ron Perlman) team up to deliver a woman who may or may not be a witch to a building somewhere. Or something. Both seem to have arrived on set about a day and a half after signing on to the project, and neither seems remotely interested in what’s going on. The forced camaraderie is a sight to behold.

It looks like it was made for about 10p and you can almost imagine it being hailed as a Monsters-style masterpiece if that were the case, but instead its a big-budget blockbuster with ‘scenic vistas’ that look like they’ve been composited in from an N64 game.

Mercilessly bloated at 98 minutes, Season of the Witch disregards characters, emotions and even dramatic tension in favour of an endless parade of ‘cool shit’ to impress its perceived audience of 13 year olds, who ironically won’t be seeing it over here anyway since its stab-heavy PG-13 rating has rightly been translated into a 15.

I’ll save them the time:

And that’s generous.

Info for masochists: Season of the Witch is released nationwide today.