10 things that happened at the Golden Globe Awards last night

Monday January 17th 2011


It’s been a long and sleepless night but finally the 68th Annual Golden Globe Awards have come to an end and I can go to bed. But first, here are ten vaguely interesting things that happened during this six-hour marathon of thrills, spills and endless references to ‘table 114’…

1

ALEXA AND CARSON WON AT CARPET COVERAGE
We had a number of options for the two-hour traipse along the red carpet: there was a woman on AP who looked like Cher and kept talking to her cameraman ‘Jeff’ in the middle of interviews, a squeaky sassy type on E! who called everybody ‘girlfriend’ and a veritable smorgasbord of vaguely-familiar presenting talent on NBC. After experimenting with the first two we finally relocated to NBC and were relieved to find presenters who actually seemed to know what they were doing. I’m not saying it was perfect (it involved Carson Daly) but it was tight, well rehearsed, and had lots of Alexa Chung talking to Justin Bieber.

2

JANUARY JONES HAD BREASTS
Beyond Carson and Alexa, the only pair of tits that anyone seemed to care about on the red carpet were those attached to the front of January Jones. I hate to turn into Slash Film and desperately show off about how heterosexual I am, but it did make it quite hard to concentrate on which particular twelve awards Mad Men was nominated for this year when the cameraman seemed more concerned with keeping her boobs directly in the centre of the screen.

3

RICKY GERVAIS TRIED HARD, DID WELL
Sure, the targets may have been easy (The Tourist, Hugh Hefner, Scientology, God) but Ricky Gervais’ opening monologue and subsequent links nonetheless set the bar far higher than anybody else could manage, and left his victims scrambling for decent comebacks (the head of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association said something about how Gervais relies on them to ‘qualify’ his movies – ZING indeed). The aforementioned Hefner joke also set up the night’s truly great cutaway, to Robert DeNiro’s inimitable laugh. Thanks to @media_lush for the screencaps.

4

CHRISTIAN BALE DONE A BROTOSH AXSENT
I don’t think I was alone in getting the shock of my life when Alexa Chung went up to a strange hairy man on the red carpet and said, ‘Hi, Christian Bale’. As far as I can tell, either work has finally begun on the Rescue Dawn sequel or he’s just trying to FREAK OUR TINY MINDS. To top it off, he accepted his Best Supporting Actor award with the most bizarre cockney accent wot I haz ever ‘eard codger. It was bloomin mentle.

5

THE SPEECHES WERE A BIT CRAP
There were a few highlights (Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory was particularly charming and it was business as usual for world’s nicest man Colin Firth) but on the whole it was a disappointing night for fans of heartfelt and/or LOLtastic acceptance speeches. DeNiro’s attempts to bring the funny were particularly unsuccessful.

6

I WAS RIGHT ABOUT LITERALLY EVERYTHING
At least eight of my ten predictions came true, and as vindicating as that was, it didn’t make for particularly gripping viewing. Yes, Bening won. Yes, Fincher won. Yes, Reznor won. Bla bla bla bla bla.

7

GARFIELD HAD A DELIGHTFUL FUCK-UP
He might have the power to climb walls, shoot webs and get the girl next door, but don’t you dare try and make Andrew Garfield say ‘inspiringly’. He’ll fuck you up. Or, you know, say it four times and then mouth ‘fuck’ directly at the camera. Still, he saved it at the last moment with an incredible bit of self-applause and his ever-winning smile. And that’s why he’s better than you.

8

HELENA BONHAM CARTER DONE A STROP
I don’t like Helena Bonham Carter. I don’t think many people do to be honest. You rarely hear anyone defending her. I can however, accept that she’s been perfectly adequate in quite a few movies recently, including The King’s Speech for which she was nominated in the Best Supporting Actress category. Inevitably beaten (not by Amy Adams as expected, but by Melissa Leo) she then proceeded to have THE WORLD’S BIGGEST GRUMP, shooting dirty looks at the cameras at every opportunity. Nobody likes a bad loser, Helena.

9

ZUCKERBERG WAS NEVER FAR AWAY
What with his PR-hungry sister roaming the red carpet in search of reporters to show off her media skills to, and the fact that his name came up in practically every speech that was given during the show, the ghost of Mark Zuckerberg cast an ominous shadow over most of the night. And the reverence with which Fincher, Sorkin et al. were referring to him was a sight to behold. It’s almost as if they feel a bit bad for making half the story up.

If you’re wondering, the photo above is him indicating how much of a big fat poohead Aaron Sorkin is.

10

AT 2:27AM, I EXCEEDED MY DAILY TWEET LIMIT
It was three and a half hours into my Golden Globes binge when the Gods elected to send me a clear message that I was taking things too far. Having reached the day’s tweet limit in less than two and a half hours, I was forced to sit back and watch the show silently, keeping all my hilarious musings to myself. Oh well, Twitter’s loss.