Eight trucking awful new Cars 2 posters

Thursday May 5th 2011

You’d be hard pushed to find someone who’s sincerely excited about Cars 2, the upcoming sequel to Pixar’s 2006 hit, which is due in cinemas July 22nd. And while I personally don’t think the first Cars is that much worse than last year’s outrageously overrated box office smash Toy Story 3, I will concede that the promotional materials for the year’s biggest automotive spy romp don’t exactly fill me with confidence. Check out these pun-tastic atrocities:

First off, we have a disappointingly pun-free entry, foregoing any London-based quips (TOWer of London?) for a literal statement of fact. Yes, the purple car is a spy and yes, it’s in the sky. Speaking of which, were there flying cars in the first movie? I don’t remember them. Quite frankly, I think they bring the realism of the entire scenario into question. Upping the comedic complexity by a factor of 2, this Parisian poster combines region-specific humour (the French capital’s romantic connotations) with mind-numblingly simple wordplay (swapping the noun ‘fuel’, as in motor fuel, for the verb ‘to fuel’, as in ’cause to burn more intensely’) to tremendous effect. Oh the hilarity, it’s too much to bear.

Now, I might be wrong, but I suspect that no portion of this movie actually takes place during Oktoberfest, because it’s a film for kids and the festival is mainly alcohol-themed (hence the cans of motor oil humourously strewn across the poster). In which case, is that seriously the BEST they could do? Is that the most definitive symbol of Germany they could think of? REALLY? Okay then, that’s fine. Okay, so let’s start at the beginning. ‘Ciao’ is Italian for ‘hello’. I’m fine with that. But what the fuck is the pun here? I can only assume they’re playing on the word ‘ka-pow’, but what relevance could that possibly have in relation to cars? Or spying? Or Italy? I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANY MORE!!

Tokyo Drifter. Like the third Fast and Furious movie, I presume. Very clever. Clearly sensing that ‘Tokyo Drifter’ isn’t exactly their best work, here’s a near-identical poster with ‘Heart Braker’ written on it instead. It’s certainly an improvement, but seriously, what’s the joke? In one sense he’s capable of breaking people’s hearts and in the other sense he’s capable of braking, in the kinetic sense… people’s hearts? It’s this kind of stuff that’s won Pixar twenty-six Oscars.

Interesting to see that Lightning McQueen is a royalist. I wonder whether or not he’ll be voting for AV today. And what does he make of the Ian Tomlinson case? All will be revealed July 22nd. Now I know that Pixar’s whole M.O. is appealing to adults as well as kids, but are you seriously telling me that any non-Russian-speaking eight-year-old in the UK is actually going to fully-understand this poster? I would argue not. And where would a tow truck find an ushanka that big? It’s just plain silly.