One-step guide to making Green Lantern seem even lamer than it already does

Sunday July 3rd 2011


STEP ONE: Do a promotional tie-in with the Make Mine Milk campaign.

Seriously, I can’t for the life of me understand why all the big studios and record labels are falling over themselves to buddy up with the fucking milk people. The entire concept of making milk look ‘cool’ to convince kids to drink it feels like something out of a campy 1950s public service announcement. Are today’s kids — with their Tamagotchis and knife crime — really going to start mainlining dairy just because a fictional superhero is purported to enjoy the stuff?

Were I to hazard a guess, I’d say ‘no’.

In which case I can only assume that this is Warner Brothers’ slightly pathetic attempt to look charitable. Like a pop star donating 50% of the profits from their new single to Comic Relief, it’s outwardly benevolent but inherently self-serving — after all, it’s still The Green Lantern on yet another bus advert, milk ‘tache or no milk ‘tache. And while there might be no such thing as ‘bad charity’, surely there are worthier (and from WB’s point of view, more impressive) charities to be involved with than the one that’s trying to force-feed kids milk?

Reached for comment, Ryan Reynolds said that he understood such concerns, but stressed that ‘if we can save just one London child from the horrors of a slight calcium deficiency, all that free publicity for my horribly tanking movie will have been worth it’.