Saturday September 17th 2011
Yesterday I received the following items in the post: a pair of MC Hammer boxer shorts, a Cuban cigar, a blow-up sex doll, three extra-large condoms, a bottle of strawberry-flavoured lubricant and a packet of baby wipes. Which is weird, because I normally get all that stuff delivered on Tuesdays.
[pause for laughter]
The package had come courtesy of the PR team for The Change-Up, complete with a laminated guide to making my own ‘lorno (light porn)’. Now, I haven’t seen The Change-Up, so I can only assume this all relates to the film somehow, but am I the only one who’s never heard of the word ‘lorno’ before? Surely they’re just referring to soft porn? Or is this one of those Hall Pass scenarios where some hitherto-unknown term is used so frequently in the film itself that the surrounding PR campaign has no choice but to pretend it’s a perfectly cromulent word?
In either case, it’s not every day you get a load of free sexual paraphernalia in the post, so I set about wasting most of yesterday afternoon messing about with it (not like that). I starting by blowing up the sex doll. Here she is in the bath:
Though her face is undeniably alluring (in a nightmare fuel sort of way), it turns out she’s actually a novelty sex doll produced by Smiffy’s and as such has no … points of entry. In other words she’s not a scratch on the one we had at Trash Humpers.
The condoms, on the other hand, are a revelation. You would not believe how massive they are. I managed to fit one over an entire milk bottle:
Yeah I drink organic milk, what of it?
Seriously though, this site reckons the world’s biggest human penis is 13.5 inches long, whereas I managed to get a Pasante™ King Size condom almost a foot and a half down a poster tube. What’s up with that?
I love being a journalist.