A Manifesto

Tuesday September 1st 2009


I’m sick and tired of paying money to see films at shit cinemas. From now on, all cinemas should have to meet the following standards:

  1. Screens should always be at least 70% as wide as the auditorium, even when playing 1:1.85 movies.
  2. There should be little or no light surrounding the screen. At most, an Emergency Exit sign if required by law.
  3. Everything to the left and right of the screen should be entirely symmetrical.
  4. There should be no rumbling.
  5. There should be an unobstructed sight line from every seat in the auditorium.
  6. A single, even momentary, projection failure or sound error should result in a full refund.
  7. All seats should be the same price.
  8. The lights should not come up until the credits are over.
  9. Any netting over the screen should not be visible, even from the front row.
  10. Staff should have heard of all films showing.

Basically all cinemas should aim to be like the Odeon West End:

Heaven.