For your consideration: five alternative Oscar hosts

Thursday November 10th 2011

As you’ve probably heard by now, Brett Ratner has been forced to resign as the producer of next year’s Oscar ceremony after stating at a Q&A earlier this week that ‘rehearsing is for fags’. The comment provoked fury from several gay activist groups, who took exception to his casual use of the slur, and also refused to admit that THEY FUCKING LOVE REHEARSING THINGS. Come on guys, own up: you live for that shit.

Never one to distance himself from homophobic remarks, host Eddie Murphy has also pulled out of the show in solidarity with Ratner. So the question that’s got every blogger from here to Hollywood excited now is: who will step in to replace him? Here are five suggestions for the committee:

Yes, Hugh’s got a baby he hasn’t even registered yet and Liz is engaged to an Australian cricketer, but that doesn’t mean the couple can’t have one last tryst for old times’ sake. And I for one would like to see said tryst unfold over the course of four hours at the Kodak Theatre, while the award winners quietly file on and off stage in the background.

As bad as they were back in March, it would be kind of amazing if the Academy just said, fuck it, let’s give them another shot. Would Franco try harder? Or look even more mopey? Would Hathaway still be angry about the previous year’s disaster, and spend the entire time being passive aggressive towards her useless co-host? Or would she continue being the epitome of sprightly fun while Franco looks on bemused, mentally envisaging a conceptual art piece in which he co-hosts the Oscars with a life-size cardboard cutout of himself? There’s only one way to find out.

Whoever the Academy chooses for the job, we can all rest assured that their entire hosting performance won’t be as good as the four minutes of improvised commentary that interviewer-extraordinaire Billy Eichner put on YouTube before the 2011 ceremony. Fearless, incisive and very, very funny, he’d make Ricky Gervais’s tenure at the Golden Globes look like two years of fawning, deferential schmaltz. And unlike Gervais, he can probably go a whole evening without doing any impressions of people with Down’s syndrome.

There are lots of things that Kevin Smith is bad at <cough>self-awareness</cough> but talking is not one of them. So why not let him put his money where his mouth is on the whole ‘fuck the industry’ front and go out in a blaze of glory at Hollywood’s biggest communal backslap? He might even find that the audience hate critics as much as he does.

In the same way that forcing your child to smoke an entire pack of cigarettes is the only real way to punish them for smoking one, why not give Brett Ratner an even bigger outlet for his hee-larious ‘rehearsing is for fags’ schtick and get him to host the entire show? Of course, he’ll need to expand the material from a simple one liner to a full-on skit, so it might be worth drafting someone else in to play the homosexual rehearsal-enthusiast alongside Ratner. Somebody give Eddie Murphy a call.