29 film-related things we failed to report in May and June

Thursday July 2nd 2009


Well, it’s certainly been a while.

A Levels went fine, thanks for asking.

Glastonbury was great too.

But I did miss out on a fair bit of movie ray-poor-tarj during my absence so it’s time to play catch-up.

SOME MOVIES WERE GOOD ENOUGH TO WARRANT A PLACE ON OUR ‘BEST OF 2009’ LIST
1. We did review Star Trek but didn’t make quite enough fuss about how incredibly amazing it was.
2. Synecdoche New York finally came out and mostly went unnoticed which is a shame.
3. Sugar, which we saw last year at the London Film Festival, is a A-list brills.
4. The Last House on the Left was better than everybody said it was.

SOME WERE NOT
5. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen was horribly long and while it looked incredible, it was mostly rubs.

IT WAS ANNOYING TO MISS SOME
6. Awaydays
7. Tormented
8. Drag Me To Hell

AND RELIEVING TO MISS OTHERS
9. Terminator: Salvation
10. Angels and Demons
11. The Hangover
12. Year One

WE FINALLY GOT THE RECOGNITION WE DESERVE IN ‘THE PAPERS’
13. Joe Cornish picked us as one of his ‘My Media’ picks in the Guardian.
14. We were linked on the Guardian Film Blog too but I can’t find a link for it.
15. Might be something in the Observer soon. I bet you’re excited.

THERE WERE SOME VERY EXCITING TRAILERS
16. Frank Langella missing a bit of his face in the trailer for The Box.
17. More ridiculously incredible disasters from the sane man’s Michael Bay in 2012.
18. Scorsese still refusing to turn shit in Shutter Island.
19. Spoiler-heavy but still incredible death nonsense in The Final Destination (4).
20. [Insert pun on ‘The Boys Are Back in Town’] Toy Story 3.
21. Still unsure about The Road adaptation.

AND A FEW THAT COULD HAVE BEEN EXCITING IF IT WASN’T FOR THE TERRIBLE VOICEOVER
22. Zombieland – great cast, shame about the E4-style irreverent v/o
23. What Goes Up (The phrase ‘life, death and all of the touching moments in between’ is an epic error – obviously there are no moments in between life and death, it would only work if it was ‘birth and death’)

THERE WERE A FEW UNFORTUNATE DEATHS
24. Farrah Fawcett.
25. Uma finally got her way.
26. That guy from Men in Black 2.

BUT ALSO A COUPLE OF NICE POSTERS
27. Tyler Perry up to his old tricks with the motion poster for I Can Do Bad All By Myself.
28. Another nice one for Inglourious Basterds.
29. Matt Lucas looking attractive in TBurton’s Alice in Wonderland.

So it all worked out in the end.


Death Eater Sightseeing Tour

Tuesday April 21st 2009


There’s been a lot of talk recently about the incredible CGI ‘Dark Eaters’ in the new Harry Potter trailer. Join us as we follow them on a whirlwind tour of London that you yourselves can re-create (if you live in London). If you don’t live in London, why not take the trip? You can stay with me (you can’t).

STOP 1: TRAFALGAR SQUARE

Take the tube to Charing Cross and visit London’s historic Trafalgar Square. Site of the 1805 Battle of Trafalgar, the Death Eaters choose this as their first destination, and why not? They can have a bite to eat, take in culture at the National Gallery or just sit by the fountains and relax.

STOP 2: CHARING CROSS ROAD

Just a short walk (or ominous fly) from Trafalgar Square, Charing Cross Road offers a wide variety of attractions, from the prestigous National Portrait Gallery to the road’s many book shops. The curved formation of the road makes it perfect for daring Death Eaters eager to practice their sharp turns.

STOP 3: THE CITY

Hop back on the tube and head east for London’s high-flying City. You’ll be sure to bring office workers to their windows as you swoop around the many architectural treasures of the area, just don’t tell anyone you’re a banker! (Just a little joke for you there)

STOP 4: MILLENIUM BRIDGE

A short walk down the river will bring you to our final destination, the iconic Millenium Bridge. Both sides have much to offer, with a selection of major galleries as well as the Globe Theatre to the south, and the historic St. Pauls Cathedral to the north. And as London’s newest river crossing, you can be sure that you’re in for a secure journey.

Oh fuck.


Win half a packet of ‘Observe and Report’ mints

Wednesday April 15th 2009


So everyone at the Observe and Report screening the other night got given a little packet of mints for some reason. It looks more like a lip balm but it’s actually a packet of mints. Here’s a photo:

Anyway, we ate about half of them but the rest CAN BE YOURS and all you have to do is answer one simple question:

Are you or your guest called Paul?
 Yes No

Full Name

Email

Whoever thinks of the biggest number (infinity is not a number) will get the packet of mints. I think there are about 13 in there but that’s not a guarantee.

WARNING: If you eat these and get ill or something it’s quite obviously not my fault. I did drop one on the floor at one point and then put it back in the packet so they’re probably not technically safe to eat. Equally, Warner Brothers has absolutely no part in this so don’t go crying to them either. It was all this person‘s idea anyway.

Good luck! Winner announced at some point in the future.


5 Teen Stars who are really quite old

Sunday April 12th 2009


One of the few good things you could say about Skins was that the actors were roughly the same ages as their characters. America hasn’t quite caught on yet…

JESSE EISENBERG
The king of poncy teen angst has been nervously mumbling his way through indie hits for the past 7 years. Jesse Eisenberg is twenty five years old.

ROGER DODGER (2002)
CHARACTER AGE: 17
REAL AGE: 18
ADVENTURELAND (2009)
CHARACTER AGE: 18
REAL AGE: 25

JUSTIN LONG
He’s just about manager to branch out a bit lately, mainly thanks to Judd Apatow, but as recently as 2006 Justin Long was still playing teenagers. Justin Long is thirty years old.

GALAXY QUEST (1999)
CHARACTER AGE: 16
REAL AGE: 20
ACCEPTED (2006)
CHARACTER AGE: 18
REAL AGE: 28

DENISE RICHARDS
Denise Richards has pretty much disappeared now. Which is a shame. It might be because she is finally too old to play 17 year olds. Denise Richards is thirty eight years old.

SAVED BY THE BELL (1990)
CHARACTER AGE: 17
REAL AGE: 18
WILD THINGS (1998)
CHARACTER AGE: 17
REAL AGE: 27

TOBEY MAGUIRE
I’m not about to start feeling sorry for Tobey Maguire but he will never escape Peter Parker. Tobey Maguire is thirty three years old.

THE ICE STORM (1997)
CHARACTER AGE: 17
REAL AGE: 21
SPIDER-MAN (2002)
CHARACTER AGE: 17
REAL AGE: 27

MICHELLE TRACHTENBERG
Michellllllllllle Traacccccctennnnnberrrrrggg. Most people won’t be too upset that she still looks 17. Michelle Trachtenberg is twenty three years old.

EUROTRIP (2004)
CHARACTER AGE: 18
REAL AGE: 18
17 AGAIN (2009)
CHARACTER AGE: 17
REAL AGE: 23

Poster of the Month: The Girlfriend Experience

Saturday April 4th 2009


There are no words.

Dot effect 10/10
Vibrant red colour 10/10
Shaded portion 10/10
Font 10/10
Use of asterisks 10/10
Use of ® sign 10/10
Inexplicable barcode 10/10

Easily rivals Steven Soderbergh’s previous best.


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