After literally a lot of planning, Teenage Wasteland finally rolled around on Saturday, with the great and the good of East London rolling up at the Hackney Picturehouse for a day of carefully selected nostalgic programming. The whole thing kicked off around 12, with a perfectly matched (despite what anyone else says) double bill of 10 Things I Hate About You and Not Another Teen Movie.

There was some pass the parcel fun to be had before the films began, with audience members walking away with everything from Lesbian Vampire Killers blu-rays to packets of Iced Gems to Lesbian Vampire Killers blu-rays. (Incidentally, whoever left their Lesbian Vampire Killers blu-ray in the ladies’ toilets — it’s at lost and found if you want it back).

The interval saw a world-first cinema screening of The Best of SM:TV Live – So far! featuring ‘exclusive sketches with Ant, Dec and Cat filmed specially for this video, as well as a fantastic selection of “bloopers” — you can see where the funniest things have gone wrong live on TV!!!’ I’d completely forgotten about Captain Justice. “When he leaves, he always leaves with a poof.”

Next up was best-horror-sequel-ever Scream 2 introduced by the one and only Joe Dunthorne. Joe performed a spectacular live re-dub of A Nightmare on Elm Street (not all of it, obviously) before the film, which I won’t ruin by trying to relate here. Trust me though, it was special.

Meanwhile, Emmy the Great was downstairs schooling a screen full of Mallrats fans on the art of the teen movie soundtrack. She also read from a Beverly Hills 90210 novelisation. Natch.

Grace Dent looked every ounce the professional with her Very Special Clipboard as she campaigned on behalf of Tracy Flick, the ruthless narcissist at the centre of Alexander Payne’s high school classic Election.

Upstairs in the Hackney Attic, a sold out crowd arrived for our Teen Confessions comedy night. A host of writers, comedians, poets and miscellaneous weirdos all exposed the deepest, darkest secrets of their adolescences, with confessions ranging from the embarrassing (Anthony Ing’s teenage fan letters) to the downright impressive (Joe Dunthorne’s homemade Commodore games).

After weeks of working out how to set the fucking thing up, we even got one of Joe’s magnificent video game creations — “Joyride II, featuring four gore-filled levels!” — up on the big screen, with fellow performer Ross Sutherland picking up the gauntlet of playing a game with no discernible enemies or obstacles.

Further incredible performances by Tom Rosenthal, Joel Dommett, David Elms, Charlie Lyons, Kat Brown, Rose Heiney, Catherine Bray and Liam Williams ensured the show went on far past its scheduled end time. How unprofessional.

Back in the Picturehouse, a sold out crowd waited patiently for our much feted Surprise Film. After the distribution of some age-appropriate Bacardi Breezers, the lights were dimmed and the movie was revealed to be the UK premiere of … Mystery Team, the hilarious Sundance hit from sketch group Derrick Comedy. Here’s a trailer:

Finally, 100 overgrown teenagers retired to our Frat Party in the Hackney Attic and played beer pong well into the early hours, soundtracked by some certified monsters from DJs Peter Robinson (Popjustice), Sam Wolfson and Dora Stewart. It was snowing outside, which was nice.

Massive thanks to all the performers, as well as Sam Clements, Sam Cuthbert and everybody else at Picturehouses who made it so rad. And to James Kent for photographing the event. You are all bona fide Baldwins and Betties.

While Emma Watson hovers uncomfortably in the background of frothy British biopics and Rupert Grint preps his Norweigan war epic Into the White (produced by Lars von Trier’s production company Zentropa dontchaknow), Daniel Radcliffe has gone and got himself his first bona fide post-Potter leading role. Based on the 1983 novel by Susan Hill (as well as the stage play that’s been doing the rounds on the West End for about a billion years), The Woman in Black sees old Radders putting on his serious face for his most actorly piece of acting yet.

The bulk of the movie plays out as follows: Daniel hears a noise. Daniel dismisses the noise. Daniel hears the noise again. Daniel investigates the noise. Daniel has a sense of unease. Daniel approaches the apparent source of the noise. Daniel sees something creepy but reasonably ambiguous. Daniel dismisses the noise.

And repeat.

Such a pattern is hardly uncommon in horror cinema, but it’s all the more disappointing in the case of The Woman in Black because I so badly wanted D-Rad to come out of it well. Ever since this …

… it’s been painfully obvious where Radcliffe’s talents lie — and that’s in big, loud, brilliant stuff like this rather than mopey, po-faced rubbish like The Woman in Black. Just imagine how miserable the next ten years could be if someone convinces him to keep ploughing away with this dross towards an Oscar that’s never going to happen rather than dedicating himself to playing stoners, misfits and utter bastards, as he’s so obviously meant to be doing.

All he needs is a Mysterious Skin. And to be honest, I’d settle for a 500 Days of Summer.

Bravely tackling the thorny issues of student debt and nocturnal prostitution in a single spectacularly misguided DVD campaign, Revolver Entertainment this morning launched a competition offering British students the chance to win £1000 by following in the footsteps of Lucy, the disaffected Australian student at the centre of Julia Leigh’s Sleeping Beauty. According to the grammatically deficient press release:

“Sleeping Beauty sees young university student, Lucy, earn some extra cash by being a Sleeping Beauty and is drawninto a mysterious hidden world of beauty and desire…”

… which is true, but neglects to mention that this particular ‘mysterious hidden world’ sees Lucy routinely abused, both verbally and physically, for the sexual gratification of a group of elderly men.

The press release goes on:

“Could you do what Lucy does and enter a mysterious world to gain yourself some extra cash? What would you do for quick money?

To be the real Sleeping Beauty you only need to be three things: a STUDENT, AVAILABLE on Tuesday 21st February and BE UP FOR A NAP!

The lucky winner will be tucked up in a luxurious bed in a public place on Tuesday 21st February for 12 hours (breaks included!) and will be awarded with £1000 for doing absolutely nothing!”

There’s no mention of the precise amount of molestation that will occur during the ‘nap’ but if it’s anything at all like the movie itself, chances are the ‘lucky winner’ will come into contact with at least one naked corpse during the gut-wrenching twelve hour ordeal. And it goes without saying that full nudity will be required.

So, unless you’re really desperate for the cash (in which case, click here to apply) you might want to wait for Tyrannosaur: The Live Experience!, in which a host of domestic abuse victims come together to win big cash prizes for your entertainment!

Early bird tickets £24.99.

I was so busy organising a teen film festival last week that I completely forgot to mention what a bonkers clocks week it was for new teen movies. Young Adult, Martha Marcy May Marlene and Chronicle all more or less fit the profile, and two of them already feature in my Best Movies of 2012 list. Cinemas showing all three are few and far between, but if you happen to live near the West India Quay Cineworld then there’s a hell of a triple bill waiting for you one night this week.

Thanks to a tip off from @James__Hall on Twitter, I was able to pick up a copy of The Observer yesterday, which featured on its reverse a poster for Carnage. Much to my amazement, there I was — quoted in pride of place alongside The Times and The Independent. As you may remember, an article I wrote last November did indeed refer to the film as …

‘a taut, laugh-out-loud comedy’

… but the main thrust of the piece was that Hollywood needs to consider the ethical ramifications of doing business with a man who still hasn’t faced sentencing for his child rape conviction. In the same article, I suggested that:

‘from this point onwards all reviews, posters and other marketing materials for his films should be accompanied by a Surgeon General-style warning, featuring quotes from the infamous rape trial.’

In all honestly, I had little hope of my suggestion being taken seriously, but now that my influence over the film’s marketing materials has been so resolutely confirmed, I’m confident that my demands can still be met.

I would therefore like to insist that Studio Canal, should they wish to use my name on any future advertising (and please do, I’m honoured to be mentioned in such prestigious company), must adhere to my advice and put the warning system into immediate effect. Here’s a mock-up they may wish to forward to the design team:

It’s all about transparency, people.

ultraculture.co.uk/cinema

In many ways, it’s the Best Typography award that the Oscar ceremony is so sorely lacking. Let’s see what’s in contention …

The Artist is destined to be the big dawg at this year’s Oscars, and this cock-of-the-walk two tiered design knows it. That ‘S’ is literally dripping in swagger.

Well now, this just screams class. If the Academy gave out an award for sheer quantity of serifs, War Horse would have it sewn up.

This ‘geometry on acid’ design for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo reinforces just how edgy the film really is. It tells the Academy: you’re not just voting for a film featuring excessive quantities of anal rape, you’re voting for a film with a recessed centre bar on its upper case ‘E’.

Jaunty, old-fashioned and three-dimensional — you see what they’ve done there.

Woody Allen has been using EF Windsor Light Condensed since 1975 so this is less a title treatment and more a reminder that HEY ACADEMY, THIS IS A WOODY ALLEN FILM. REMEMBER HIM FROM BULLETS OVER BROADWAY?

This simple, striking application of Gotham is the typographic equivalent of your dad sitting you down in front of the voting ballot and reminding you in no uncertain terms that Moneyball is an important, serious movie that deserves a little recognition. See also: Obama.

It’s all wobbly! Like the fractured soul of Alexander Payne’s latest rent-a-midlife-crisis. But there’s a flower too, so chances are The Descendants is a little bit playful and pretty to boot.

Strong, sensible and restrained — everything The Help is not.

Also out this week: House of Tolerance, the new one from wanton controversialist and professional smug bastard Bertrand Bonello. Deeply offensive on almost every level, the film is nonetheless an engaging way to spend 122 minutes — if only because it answers the age old question: what would a Lars von Trier remake of Showgirls look like?

If you’ve ever wanted to see a host of cinematic luminaries talking to Nice Guy Keanu Reeves about their feelings towards digital filmmaking then you’re in luck because Side by Side, the first documentary feature from editor Christopher Kenneally, offers exactly that. If not, perhaps I can interest you in this photograph of Sara, a walrus in Instanbul who can play the saxophone:

In either case, I wish you the best of luck with your endeavours.