This just in: small handful of people dislike popular movie

Friday January 20th 2012


When The Telegraph broke the storm in a teacup major international news story that a couple of people at the Liverpool One Odeon asked for refunds on The Artist because they didn’t realise it was a silent movie, few could have predicted how far the story would spread. Perez Hilton wrote about it, insisting that ‘some people need to learn how to use Imdb.com’. The Washington Post said it was ‘more ridiculous’ than the story about the woman who tried to sue Drive because it wasn’t like The Fast and The Furious. Even director Michel Hazanavicius weighed in on the subject, telling the Telegraph rather snidely:

“If I could give any advice to people it would be that they should ask for their money back whenever they see a film they don’t expect.”

It’s funny — I don’t remember Jon Turteltaub being hounded for comment after I walked out of National Treasure 2 a few years ago. So what’s so special about a couple of Liverpudlians taking offence at The Artist? Is it their geographical location? The audacity of their request for a refund? Or our own desire to laugh at people we perceive as ‘dumber’ than we are?

“You really didn’t know that The Artist was silent?” we ask, slapping them around the head with old copies of Variety, “you must be following the wrong people on Twitter. Weren’t you at the Cannes premiere? Please tell me you’re keeping up with the Oscar precursors.”

Not since Jeffrey Wells’s infamous ‘single mums in Leeds’ tirade has the world paid so much attention to the cinemagoing habits of northerners, and yet nobody’s even managed to track down one of the ‘irate’ customers in question. Isn’t it entirely possible that the two or three people who asked for refunds were perfectly intelligent adults who just didn’t realise what they were in for? After all, the film’s own trailer barely seems to realise it’s a silent movie, why should they?

Six years ago I went to see Brick on its opening weekend at an arthouse cinema in South London. Having not seen the trailer or read much about it, I wasn’t prepared for quite how stylised it would be. I didn’t really get it, so I left about ten minutes in and saw X-Men 3 instead. Does this make me an idiot? Does this mean I deserve to be patronised by Perez fucking Hilton and have Xan Brooks at The Guardian berate Hollywood’s lack of imagination on my behalf?

Or does it just mean that films like Brick and The Artist, for all their awards and critical acclaim, are still incapable of pleasing literally everyone? Be it a confused teenager at the Clapham Picturehouse or a tiny minority of cinemagoers at the Liverpool One Odeon.

If you still can’t get your head around the concept, take some comfort in the fact that I watched Brick again last year and enjoyed it quite a bit, albeit less than most critics. Who knows, maybe Liverpool Blockbuster will be rushed off their feet come July.


I love Peter Facinelli because he loves Can’t Hardly Wait

Wednesday January 18th 2012


Remember Can’t Hardly Wait, the amazing late-90s teen film with the all-star ensemble cast and the incredibly irritating protagonist?

Well, it turns out supporting actor Peter Facinelli (currently plastering his serious face all over the Twilight Saga) does too. He’s been talking to IFC this week about how much he wants to do a sequel, and he’s even got the plot worked out:

“I said I would only do it if Mike [his jock character] could get Amanda [Jennifer Love Hewitt] back at the end of the movie. I think basically everyone’s stereotypes are now switched. Now he’s basically the loser. The nerd was the loser in the first movie, now [Mike's] the loser and then he kind of climbs back and gets back on his horse. And the nerdy kid is now the Bill Gates who’s kind of like the new Mike, bossing everyone around.”

On this evidence, Sony are missing a trick if they don’t immediately greenlight Can’t Hardly Wait 2, starring Peter Facinelli, written by Peter Facinelli and directed by Peter Facinelli. And while we’re at it, how about a whole raft of role-reversal movies for sorely maligned antagonists?

I’d like to see Toy Story 4 focus on how Andy’s ‘evil’ neighbour Sid was forced to abandon his precocious talent for arts and crafts and instead become a bin man so that a bunch of wealthy animation nerds could validate their own sense of self-worth.


Fourteen things that Armie Hammer looks a bit like in J. Edgar

Tuesday January 17th 2012


Armie Hammer in J. Edgar

Max Headroom

A bulldog

Old Marty McFly from
Back to the Future Part II

Pop-Pea from
The Poddington Peas

Nick Hewer from
The Apprentice

A scrunched-up newspaper

A trash humper

Rupert Murdoch

A cauliflower

Her Majesty The Queen

A lemon-shaped rock

Clint Eastwood

Johnny Knoxville dressed up as an old man

This guy


A trailer for the new Wes Anderson movie, mirrored down the centre

Saturday January 14th 2012


Like the rest of you, I’m pretty stoked for Moonrise Kingdom, the new symmetrical masterpiece from Wes Anderson starring Bruce Willis, Edward Norton, Bill Murray, Frances McDormand, Tilda Swinton and Jason Schwartzman. So stoked in fact, that I’ve one-upped Anderson and horizontally mirrored the entire trailer straight down the middle. See if you can spot the difference.


I’ve decided to auction off this Darkest Hour UK quad.

Friday January 13th 2012


By some strange coincidence, a courier arrived on Wednesday afternoon while I was writing my review of The Darkest Hour to deliver me the film’s poster. As you’ll know if you’ve read the review, my impartiality was not affected by this generous offering.

Because I have little interest in devoting any more of my life to the film, I’ve decided to auction off the poster to raise money for the Red Cross. And to make the prospect more attractive I’ve torn it in half, scrunched one piece into a ball and thrown in some Drive toothpicks and a Crunchie.

To make an offer on all of the above, simply go to THIS EBAY AUCTION at any point in the next three days and place your bid.

With your help, at least some good can come of this unspeakable atrocity.


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