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Earlier this week, five hundred or so random stragglers gathered in a Leicester Square cinema to watch the first twenty minutes of Prometheus, Ridley Scott’s mega-hyped return to the Alien franchise. Scott himself was there to answer a few questions afterwards, along with cast members Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender and Noomi Rapace. In an effort to bring you the hottest film news as it happens, I’ve waited just three days to write up the experience. Here are my findings, complete with some artsy little illustrations I’ve knocked up:
1. It looks great.
It’s usually quite hard to get absorbed in these so-called ‘taster reels’, because they dwell so heavily on the big effects shots that there’s no space for plot or character. Instead, what we saw of Prometheus introduced us to all the major players, several key locations and the basic premise. And fuck me does it all look exciting. Even the presence of a Minority Report-style holographic computer didn’t bother me.
2. Fassbender plays Bowie.
Fassbender’s placid android David only appears briefly in the footage we saw, but he’s already my favourite character. The Fass has slimmed down quite a bit for the role and perfected this amazing little preppy walk. In the Q&A afterwards, he listed influences as disparate as The Servant and Greg Louganis, but the obvious visual reference is Thin White Duke-era Bowie.
3. Theron swears up a fucking storm.
Not in the movie, sadly. But on stage, Charlize Theron (of unsung-star-of-the-year’s-fourth-best-movie fame) swears like a trooper. Her and Fassbender kept whispering little in-jokes to each other as well. I wonder if they’re fucking. I’m going to go ahead and assume that they are.
4. Guy Pearce is crusty and old.
These days it seems the quality of an actor’s performance is measured primarily on how many layers of ageing make-up they’re working against. When Guy Pearce showed up as mysterious elderly scientist Peter Weyland (pictured here), I had literally no idea that it was him. Luckily a younger, less melted version of the character can be seen in this spoof 2023 TED talk.
5. Ridley Scott answers ‘The 3D Question’ better than anybody else.
Because most film fans nowadays seem more interested in debating the merits of a piece of fucking technology than appreciating the language of cinema, it didn’t take long for somebody in the audience to ask Ridley Scott ‘The 3D Question’. Without a second’s pause, Scott launched into the most reasonable, succinct, utterly bang-on response to the question I’ve ever heard, which went something like this: “It doesn’t make a difference. It’s not any easier or harder. Anyone who thinks it adds 16 weeks to the shoot doesn’t know what the hell they’re doing. It’s straightforward. Fuck off.”
For a while it seemed as though Liam Neeson, Alexander Skarsgård and Rihanna might never co-star in a tentpole studio release, but then along came Battleship, Universal’s $200million adaptation of the 1931 pad-and-pencil game Broadsides, the Game of Naval Strategy. It’s the first movie since Jonathan Lynn’s bizarre 1985 Cluedo adaptation Clue to be based on a board game, and to answer your question:
Taylor Kitsch (2012′s answer to Sam Worthington) plays Alex Hopper, a plucky burnout who joins the Navy in a bid to get his life back on track and win over the girl of his dreams, a largely characterless Brooklyn Decker (2012′s answer to Megan Fox). He soon rises up the ranks to become a lieutenant, and is invited to participate in the world’s largest maritime exercise — a biennial event called RIMPAC, which is obviously hilarious.
An alien invasion soon follows and thanks to the invisible force field that encloses the extraterrestrial ship and its surrounding ocean, only the RIMPAC seamen (HAHAHA) can save the day. Over the course of two hours, the plot contrives to have this showdown take the form of a lovely game of Battleship, with lots of implausible “fire on D9!” dialogue thrown in for nostalgia yuks.
Despite this, Battleship never really feels like an advert for Hasbro, perhaps because it feels so much like a recruitment video for the United States Navy. Every frame of the film is so breathtakingly gung-ho that the Transformers franchise starts to look like some sort of subtle disarmament parable. In fact, literally the only character in Battleship who isn’t in some way involved with the military is a pathetic, impotent scientist named Cal, played by Hamish Linklater as an even weedier version of his character from The Future. And of course, when the whole alien invasion turns out to be SCIENCE’S FAULT, it’s up to the Navy to come to the rescue of those eggheaded pansies. Wooo! Let’s bomb some shit! Down with evolution!
On a visual level, Battleship is yet another victory for scale over substance. Most of the effects shots are so complex and protracted that they’re little more than unintelligible tangles of water and steel, washing over the audience in a wave of vague expense. But where the film does succeed, albeit briefly, is in bringing the LOLs — sometimes intentionally (as in the film’s hilariously oddball final twist) but more often entirely by accident.
The producers of Katy Perry: Part of Me in 3D must have known they were on to a winner as soon as they got that (^^^) YouTube thumbnail for their trailer. [EDIT: the thumbnail has changed to a more discreet image now. It was far more cleavage-y before.] But what about the other 3024 frames that make up this spectacular preview for what’s sure to be the summer’s most poignant cinematic experience? Let’s take a closer look …
As trailer openings go, this is one for the ages. The stage is set. All is dark. The sound of a solitary drum foretells of the arrival of a great stage presence. The lights come up on the one aspect of Katy Perry’s identity that the producers clearly feel is her trademark, her signature move, her shorthand — her sideboob.
“Katy’s just an explosion, keeps getting bigger and bigger.”It’s a hyperbolic assertion, but one that’s deftly backed up by some slow-motion footage of adoring hands waving in the air. Because the only thing that can make adoring hands waving in the air more meaningful is slow-motion.
We’re told (via an entirely authentic-looking newspaper headline) that Perry sold out her 2011 California Dreams world tour. Yep, even the Nottingham date.
She’s clearly thrilled, but that doesn’t mean she’s about to become complacent …”It’s all about the challenge. What are people saying she can’t do? That’s what she does next.”
For example, remember when people kept saying, “Katy, you cannot be the first woman to have five number one singles on one album!” Well, I bet they’re feeling pretty stupid right about now.
“Every song has something to do with her life.”Finally we get a proper look at the man imparting all of this voiceover wisdom, and he does not disappoint. Speaking with precision, clarity and plenty of illustrative hand movements, he adds an all-important sense of gravitas to this 3D concert movie in which people dress as lollipops and shoot whipped cream out of their tits.
“She outworks everyone. I honestly don’t know how she does it.”Whoa there trailer, did you just double down on the solemn male talking heads? You ought to be careful with that shit — everybody knows self-important soundbites work better with 10-second dancing interludes.
“She’s under a ton of pressure: the whole world is watching.”We’ll let Box Office Mojo be the judge of that one, shall we?
Only joking. They are of course talking about Perry’s short-lived marriage to Russell Brand. Just look at her looking all upset/confused/nauseous. She’s almost definitely thinking about him.Presumably the montage of the producers jumping for joy when they realised the divorce would make for an ideal emotional arc was cut for time.
As if the divorce didn’t already provide more than enough emotional backbone, the filmmakers have also ‘dug into the vaults’ (pulled some clips off YouTube) to relive Perry’s earlier career as a Christian gospel rock singer. Because the footage was shot in the early noughties (when most people definitely still recorded their home videos on 16mm) these are presented in flickering, edge-feathered windows in the middle of the screen. You know, like in the olden days.
“She signed to a label and then the label dropped her.”Somebody pass the tissues, this is like Sophie’s Choice all over again.
“I was going through some depressing and dark times, but it’s a journey and I learned so much from it.”Anything I could add to this sentence would only lessen its potency as one of the great philosophical statements of our time, so I’ll just leave this here.
As the emotion threatens to runneth over, the trailer takes a sudden turn for the dramatic. That ‘rushing’ sound usually reserved for Michael Bay movies starts to build and clips begin to fly past in rapid succession. And then, all is silent as Perry declares: “Thank you so much for believing in my weirdness.”Don’t you just love it when people point out their own uniqueness?
HOLY FUCK WHAT IS THIS, BATTLESHIP?
The answer appears to be yes, except that this montage climaxes with a woman shooting foam out of a cannon rather than a giant alien spacecraft destroying the Earth.
“My goal when I’m playing shows is just to … make … people … smile”, says Perry, ACTUALLY FIGHTING BACK THE TEARS. If only the world understood how hard it is to be talented. At least Samantha Brick only has to deal with beauty; Perry has THE WHOLE PACKAGE.
“If you have a dream, you’ve got to go on a journey to pursue that dream.”Stop it Katy, I’m not sure this trailer can withstand any more of your wisdom! SHE WON’T HOLD!!!!
Phew, respite. Anyone wanna bet exactly which ’Part’ of Katy Perry is in 3D? I’m offering 6/5 on sideboob.
Not the greatest post-title sequence I’ve ever seen.
